Cancer! It is a terrifying word. It literally puts everyone in a frenzy. Death is knocking at the door. It is so insane! As if, if you did not get cancer you would live forever. Can you believe it!!!? Hehehe! Death is inevitable. This is something we learned in our Moral Science class and different scriptures confirmed it as we grew older. So why does the word 'cancer' create a havoc among people? May be, because it practically ushers us to the exit door? One way or the other, we all must get out of this beautiful and enchanting world. Period.
29th of january the report came in. Before that the lab people called up my son-in-law and gave him the results of the biopsy test. he called my daughter and told her and she in turn told me. Her face became crestfalllen in a second! My son-in-law stopped playing music in the car from that day on, so every time I went to the different doctors and hospitals it became a silent ride. Long ones. Honestly. Because we travelled for hours to Gurgaon or Delhi - mind the traffic. What goes wrong with us? Do we stop living? Hello! I am still here - I shout inside me. I am not dead and neither have I lost the urge and zing to live. I am kicking. I shall beat this silent disease. I am prepared. But yes when I see the children upset and worried it does pull a few heart-strings. It becomes a flurry of activities - visiting different doctors, going for numerous tests, waiting for the test reports, going to the same doctor, and then visiting oncologists and radiologists. Whew! It is quite an ordeal. Specially, if all the facilities are not available in the same city or region. Every time I came out of a test or a visit only one thing stood out in my mind - f--- all this. Live and die normally. Either way I shall have to depart, so why do it in a painful way? Radio therapy or chemotherapy are killers. Believe me you. Oncologists are like hawks, waiting for any susceptible patient. They simply clutch you in their claws and brainwash you into believing that there is no way out except what they advise. It becomes worse when your family members are much junior to you (read 'children') who have no clue about such things. their only belief is the doctor - someone with an impressive string of degrees behind their names backed up with impressive hospitals, cannot be wrong. Finally I got tired of arguing and just gave in. Told them - fine I shall do as you say. Only write down that when the time comes to literally care for me who is ready? Besides, the money involved for such hideous therapies is astronomical. my and my daughter's corporate insurance may not be able to cover the whole cost. My younger son-in-law has his answer ready - 'you just go for your treatment, I shall do the needful.' Beautiful! I am really thankful that I have such loving and caring children (including sons-in-law). Should I now let them blindly follow the negative path or should I stand firm? I decided to follow my gurji's teachings - 'do not object to controversial situations because it can only aggravate further. keep silent and give yourself up to God. Let God guide them and show them the right path.' It works miracles. Situations and conditions arise where the opposite party sees reason. Cheers!
MRI and Ct scan of the various needed parts of the body. I literally got scared when I was being pushed or rolled into the MRI machine. I yelled out. The operator had to stop and come running to me. There I was lying like a helpless creature all tucked in and belted in and screaming - I am scared. Can you believe it? Like a child! That fellow had to assure me before he could go back to his room and start the process. He must have been laughing at this 65 year-old scared woman. I gathered courage, felt silly and told myself I will not be scared of that capsule where I can see the top about to engulf me and smother me to death. It is about six inches above the head I guess and I detest enclosed spaces. I thought - what happened to my pranayams and meditations? And then I thought of Krishna and soon he was there playing the flute and dancing around, laughing away in joy. Time passed and before I knew it the scan was over. I came out and asked my son-in-law, who was sitting outside, tensed, how long? He said just about an hour. In that period, I was even asked to hold my breath for a certain period of time - I did and yet I was not scared any more. Next the CT scan. Then my quiet and desperate search for alternative methods, my belief in yoga and self healing. And light channeling. I am still not out of the woods. The radiotherapy and chemo are still hanging above my head, like the damocles' sword. And much more. My surrender to God. Tomorrow.
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