As you sow so shall you reap

Dilemma – age versus illness

I went to see a female cousin yesterday, who is close to 70 or thereabouts.  She has problems with her kidneys and is undergoing dialysis on a regular basis.  I have not been close to her for the past several years due to various reasons, mainly because of a continuous agenda against me, for what I still need to decipher.  But she is my didi, someone I have known since I was able to speak and interact. 

I remember her love and romance with her husband, who seemed so helpless when I met him yesterday.  I am witness to their love and secret meetings and am not ashamed to admit I loved them together – do so even now. 

My question is why do we suffer when we become old or advance in years?  My studies have taught me that we pay back for all our mistakes here on this earth before we depart.  Honestly, it is the bloody truth. 

I am confirmed about my belief after I have seen my mother go through nearly six years of total dependence even if she needed to spit!  I did my level best to find one single fault about my mom – I did not.  However, I remembered that she never asked anyone to give her even a glass of water despite the retinue of servants in the house.  Never, ever.  That was her pride and she paid for it before she passed off peacefully.  Yes peacefully because I was there with her in her last moments.  She listened to my Gita readings, sighed and opened her mouth for her ‘praan’ to be released.  I poured some water into her mouth which went down her throat and then she expired.  Beautiful!

My dad passed away in his father-in-law’s house.  My father was a proud man (can’t blame him totally because he had a Brahmin landowner’s genes) and was sometimes quite arrogant but always honest and humble to the most unlikely people!  I love you, Baba.  You taught me to ‘deserve before you desire’. 

I wonder what I shall pay for before I leave this identity.  I am going back to see all or any sins I may have committed so that I can ask for forgiveness and am spared the retributions.  God please lend your ears.  Hark your faithful is calling.  Sincerely.